Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
