He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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