does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
