I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
