you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
