did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
