I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
