and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
