Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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