I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
