Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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