Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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