i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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