Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
