new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
