You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
