I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
