Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
