Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
