I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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