they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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