Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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