Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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