I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
