What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
