I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
