Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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