She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
