I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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