my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
