He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
