I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
