tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
