I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
