just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
