They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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