i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
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We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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