No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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