Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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