Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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