12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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