Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
