your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
