my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
