flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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