Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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