i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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