After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
