im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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