I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
