I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
