if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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