don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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