just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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