You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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