so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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