The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
