The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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