If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
