I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
did i just pee glitter
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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