I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
